June 2006

I wrote that last one sometime between today and April 13th but just reacquainted myself with it. Although I felt that way sometime in the last couple of months it isn’t indicative of today’s thoughts…however I thought since I had written it at some point it should be included.

How is it some people seem more able to compartmentalize their thoughts and feelings while others of us seem to float through?

I can be emphatic about one view,be sure, almost certain that it won’t change, but then am also able to change that view or else move to another place within that view, and not seem to be bothered by it,nor surprised by my change of heart or perspective.
Is that being wishy washy? Spineless? Fluid? Easy going? Manipulative? Flexible? Is it a different prospect when you make a promise you think you can keep because you think one thing is going to happen and then something else occurs? Are you a promise breaker? Untrustworthy? Weak spirited?
More on this..I am trying to sort out some inner turmoil around child bearing and or being child barren.

The hardest realization to accept is that my body is no longer able or willing to produce a seed to procreate. My body…the one I have trusted to see me through so many different adventures is now saying No. It doesn’t seem possible, how could it do this to me…Me…it’s feeder,thirst quencher,lover,supporter…it’s turned it’s back on me without so much as a second glance. How is that supposed to make me feel? I’m sad, disappointed,angry,rueful….questioning my choices through life. Why did I wait so long? Why didn’t I just do it on my own? Why didn’t I meet someone before I was forty? Why didn’t I have that child with Doug when I could have?

Each of these questions have logical, rational,reasonable answers and yet still science has played a mean trick on me. I still feel disbelief that it isn’t possible. Not me.That if I tried one more time I’d have success. I’ve always been able to do what I wanted. I’m a 20th century woman…haven’t we been told we can do anything? We’re the generation who has it all, can have it all,do it all…and still make a five course dinner for 10.

Who knew childbirth would be so elusive? So ethereal, so unreal.